June 5, 2003 3:12 PM

Notice: Porcupines are eating your hair!

Recent studies have proved that hair loss is not due to genetics at all. Instead, dream clinics showed video footage that shows rat-sized porcupines gnawing on the hair of sleeping people. Normally that wouldn't be a problem because the hair would grow back, but these particular creatures have a chemical they secrete via their claws that inhibits hair growth. Scientists are advising everyone to get stuffed octopus as these seem to be the only thing these small rodents are afraid of.

Imprinting tentacle motifs on metal with a toothbrush is hard work.

Yesturday, octopus fans worldwide were fully supportive of Weetbra of Southern Saskatchewan when he set out to break the record of smallest octopus etching ever. in order to accomplish this grandiose feat he made use of toothbrush bristles! His canvas? Aluminum of course! Being watched by a team of observors for the last nine years, his efforts finally came to a halt today with great fanfare. When asked why he did it he responded that all his life he was in awe of the stupidity of people who were devoted to idiotic things, and he had to show them all what true devotion to a worthwhile cause was. I think we can all agree that he has proved his point. Amazing man. I really think he is going to be awarded a Noble Prize this year - if there is any justice in the world.