I think I've lost a very basic survival instinct.

After many sessions in a row of being exhausted before laying down on the table, I managed to create a habit of falling asleep during my massages. And since they're usually painful when my lower back is massaged, I don't mind this at all. The massage therapist also mentioned that she can go a lot deeper into the muscle and tissue when I'm asleep so I took this as encouragement that I should continue to do so.

I knew I was going to need a little help to get through the massage session tonight without screaming too much so I tried to fall asleep. It didn't work before she got to my lower back so I figured I was out of luck and would have to endure. I mentioned this to my massage therapist just before she got to the really bad spot. And then, she got to the really bad spot (9 out of 10 on my pain threshold scale) and I managed to squeak out, "That's the spot." That's the last thing I remember before falling asleep.

I'm grateful for being able to spare myself considerable pain, but is it really healthy? I'm sure that there's some measure of trust involved in my ability to sleep through a painful massage. In fact, to fall asleep during intense pain, I really hope it's because I trust her and the environment. If not, I believe I have created a very bad habit that could indeed, kill me.

Having talked about all this pain of the massage, I forgot to mention how blissfully good it feels to be able to move after my massage. How much tension is relieved and how much better I sleep and move and live every day because of those painful massages. And it isn't all painful like when she's working on upper back and my shoulders and neck. Or when she massages my chest. Drool.